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Neurodiversity Series: How to Support a Loved One After an Autism or ADHD Diagnosis

Discovering you’re autistic, have ADHD, or both can be a profound and life-affirming experience. For neurodivergent adults, sharing this discovery with loved ones is often a key part of the journey. However, these conversations don’t always go as hoped. If you’re navigating this with a friend or family member, it’s natural to feel unsure about what to say or do. This guide is here to help you approach these moments with compassion and understanding. Whether you’ve recently been diagnosed or are supporting someone who has, you’ll find practical steps to foster connection and communication.

For Friends and Family: Do’s and Don’ts

What Helps:

  • Start with a Conversation About Communication- Ask your loved one how they’d like to talk about their neurodivergence. Would they like you to bring it up, or would they prefer to approach you when ready? Clarifying these expectations can ease the fear of saying the wrong thing and make space for open dialogue.
  • Listen, Really Listen- One of the most meaningful ways to show support is to listen without judgment. Give them space to share their thoughts and feelings. Show you’re engaged by summarizing what you’ve heard and validating their perspective. Resist the urge to interrupt or offer solutions—just being present is enough.
  • Be Curious and Open-Minded- Showing curiosity demonstrates care but remember to let them set the pace for sharing. It’s okay to ask questions as long as they’re respectful. For example:
    • How do you feel about this discovery?
    • What excites you about learning this? What feels uncertain or hard?
    • How can I best support you right now?
  • Explore and Share Resources Together - Many neurodivergent people find articles, books or podcasts that resonate with their experiences. Offer to explore these resources with them. For instance, you might read a book or listen to a podcast they recommend and discuss what stood out to both of you. Sharing this learning journey can bring you closer.
  • Keep Conversations Going - Find ways to keep checking in with each other regularly about your experiences around neurodivergence. These kinds of conversations aren't just a 'one off' and it's helpful to revisit regularly.

What Doesn’t Help:

  • Dismissive or Minimising Comments – Quite often, people make comments which are well intentioned but incredibly invalidating, such as “you don’t seem autistic” or “we’re all a bit ADHD”. Avoid diminishing their experience with statements like: “It’s just a label” or You must be high-functioning”. Instead, focus on affirming their experience and expressing curiosity about their perspective.
  • Avoiding the Conversation - Silence can feel like rejection. If you’re unsure how to approach the topic, start small. A simple “I’d love to understand more about what this means for you” can go a long way in showing your care and willingness to connect.

For Neurodivergent Adults: Sharing Your Experience

Talking to friends and family about your neurodivergence can feel daunting, especially if you’re unsure how they’ll respond. Here are a few tips to help you navigate these conversations:

  • Be Clear about What you Want - Let your loved ones know if you’d like them to ask questions, just listen, or explore resources together.
  • Set Boundaries - If certain phrases or reactions feel unhelpful, it’s okay to express this.
  • Take your Time - There’s no rush to share everything at once—go at a pace that feels comfortable.

A Journey Worth Taking

Whether you’re the person discovering your neurodivergence or the loved one supporting them, these conversations have the power to deepen understanding and connection. They aren’t always easy, but with compassion, curiosity, and open communication, they can be transformative.

If you’d like guidance on navigating these moments, I’m here to help. Supporting neurodivergent adults and their families is my passion, and I’d love to work with you. Reach out anytime—you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

Dr Jo Coombs BPS

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